Why Firing Your Worst Friends Could Be The Best Investment You Ever Made
Written on February 5, 2008 by Tezza
“True friendship consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and value.” - Ben Jonson
A popularised philosophy within the business world is the growing trend of companies jettisoning their worst customers in order to improve it’s financial health and well-being. The rationale is pretty straightforward when you think that low value customers are often unprofitable because they either spend very little relative to the rest of the customer base or are high demanding customers on your support system. Either way their value to the companies bottom line is either negligible or worst costing you money.
The philosophy is to eliminate or focus less attention on the low value customers and focus more attention where it is more deserved which are with the top customers who contribute the most to the companies growth. The age old Pareto principle. So what has this got to do with friends? Well a great deal.
Whether it’s in a business environment or personal life, relationships are the key to longevity and overall health. You want to foster and maintain good relationships. You can’t possibly do that to your best ability if you are constantly having to tend to low value friends who drag you down, attack your self worth, wear you out or just aren’t supportive with your life choices or direction. So as Donald Trump would say in his once popular TV show “Apprentice” - “Your fired!”. Here are the type of friends that deserve to get shown the door.
1. Friends Who Don’t Accept You The Way You Are
Friends should accept you the way you are with your quirks, hang ups and weird qualities. You are a bundled package and you shouldn’t have to change or evolve to suit the temperament or personalities of other people. It’s important for your own self esteem and self identity to be in an environment that is supportive of the person you are rather than having to be someone your not just to feel accepted.
2. Friends Whose Life Resembles A Soap Opera
It is a measure of a good friend to be able to support them in a time of need. But if their life is a perpetual drama going from one personal crisis to another it can really become a distraction to you being able to truly live out your own life. The friendship becomes unequal as energy and focus is constantly being drawn towards solving the current issue. Some people just crave drama in their life and aren’t looking for someone to solve or help them. They may just be looking for someone to validate their behaviour or enjoy the attention they get. You have to decide for yourself if you are helping or just fueling their addiction. It’s sometimes important to know when a friendship has outlived it’s time and to move on.
3. Friends Who Lie, Cheat Or Abuse You
These are absolute deal breakers when it comes to friendships or any form of relationship for that matter. Someone whose moral compass has lost it’s bearing should be a high candidate of getting fired from your life. Even if you weren’t the direct casualty of their wayward ways, that alone should still prove to be a warning sign as you cannot be assured that you are immune from it the next time. You should never feel you have to settle for less than you deserve and by staying around people who lie, cheat or are abusive (physically or emotionally) is doing just that.
4. Friends Who Are Fake And Superficial
These are the hardest to spot because often times you consider them to be close friends and you enjoy spending time with them. You go to functions, parties or even Friday night drinks with them. The problem with these friends are you never really know anything about them other than the superficial details. Maybe your in the season of your life where you want to just enjoy life and have fun. Then these friends are your ideal buddies. Often times when a crisis or emergency occurs in your life you won’t find these people anywhere in sight.
It’s understandable since you’ve never developed any deep and meaningful connection to form the basis of the friendship. If you are looking for a deeper experience of life and purpose then you need to either consider deepening your friendships or find friends who are in closer synergy to the person you are or are becoming.
5. Friends Who Are Cheap
Friendship should be based on the intangibles like respect for one another, common interests or goals, connection and shared experiences. It shouldn’t be about money. Whether it’s asking for loans or remembering the meal they paid for five years ago can get a bit tiresome. Friendship should be a two way street and sometimes you pay, sometimes they pay and sometimes you go dutch. There shouldn’t be any tedious record keeping or keeping scores. It just makes the friendship seem like work rather then a harmonious connection between two people.
Friends who are cheap and keep track of money inflows and outflows will tend to keep track and score about all the other little things about the friendship like the time they did you a favour or helped you with this or that. Life shouldn’t have to seem like a scoreboard with a winner and a loser. Friendship shouldn’t have to be complicated. Drop these cheapskates like a hot potato and save yourself the unnecessary drama.
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I consider my cheep friends to be some of my best friends because they VALUE the time and goods I give to them. One of my best friends and I enjoy going to yard sales together and we both enjoy the pleasure of getting a good deal on something.
I agree that there should not be “tedious record keeping” but the Thursday breakfast group of friends keeps a mental note of who’s turn it is to pay for breakfast.
Often keeping tabs allows everyone to feel equal and that no one is being taking advantage off.
Most of my friends are generous, if not with their money then with their time and encouragement. Most also volunteer in the community.
I also have a problem with the idea that “The friendship becomes unequal as energy and focus is constantly being drawn towards solving the current issue.” Some of my friends have real problems in life, like hart conditions and homes being foreclosed. It is drama, and their teen kids create drama, and it is a burden to support them but that is what being a friend is about.
You said “to know when a friendship has outlived it’s time and to move on” LIKE friendships are about what you get back? When it’s not equal and fun than drop them? If you get don’t take your advice and drop you.
JM_Runs: You bring up some very good points. I certainly wasn’t trying to imply that friendship is measured by some arbitrary black and white yardstick. The post was more of a discussion piece as apposed to an instructional guide. In reality I am a believer that nothing happens by chance and thus all friendships are valuable in their own right.
With respect with friends with issues and dramas, in reality we all have issues and dramas and I’m not immune to it either. I’m not implying that if someone has issues we should abandom them. It was more in reference to people who crave drama and create it in their life for no other reason than to create a feeling of importance, self worth or just to feel loved. This can really be a distraction to your own life purpose and truly living out your best life. Each person just needs to make up their own mind what path to follow. If supporting these types of people give you a sense of importance then kudos to you, otherwise there are many other worthy causes in this world to support.
Like the blog Tez :o) Friendship can be the most amazing addition to your life, especially when you find yourself surrounded by wonderful people!!! Letting go of the one that arent right for u is the hardest thing to do but when u do, life will come together and just get better and better!
p.s my take on the cheap friend is that yes of course you have friends who will go through hard times but there is a major difference in friends who are being careful with their money and friends who purposely do not give back even though u know they can afford it!! Friendship is a two way street its a give and take relationship!! Sometime u give a little more because your friend is down on their luck etc but when it becomes constantly giving only on one side, then that when u know to cut the ties!
Dune: Friendship is a tricky concept and everyone has a different take on it. I think you have to do what feels right for you and consider things on a case by case basis. So yes, if you feel that some of your friendships are a little one sided then i don´t think there is any problem in approaching the topic and communicating about it to each other.
Letting go of friendships, no matter how bad, can be the hardest thing ever to do, but sometimes it is necessary. If a friendship dosn’t allow you to change, develop, explore your potentials, if a friendship holds you and contains you, then it is a damaging friendship. A cheap frend is a problem if it affects how you feel about yourself and your friendships. If it makes you feel used and abused, then it is damaging. Perhaps though, you feel needed by this. Perhaps, while you constantly pay in cafes, your friend pays with support ad advice. this s a friendship worth chrishing. To know though when a friendship no longer brings happiness though is important. Life involves loving and sometimes leaving, and while it is easy to love, sometimes it is as important to know when to leave, and t do it without pain or regret.
rom - I am of the opinion that all friendships are meant to teach us something about ourselves. If we are no longer growing within the framework of the friendship then like you say it is “a damaging friendship”. You are right, lifes great lesson is when to cherish and grow a friendship and when to let it go. The line is never clear cut nor an easy decision to make at the best of times.
You know a lot of people say “You shouldn’t be so judgmental” Frankly I think that is wrong, We should be judgemental. I am proud to say I don’t hang around with people who are dishonest, who lie or steal, People who do drugs, people who are negative, people who complain but make no effort to improve their situation.
I guess I don’t have to fire any of my friends because I never associated with people who I wouldn’t want as friends in the first place.
You have a great blog and I have marked it as a favorite
Ned, I absolutely agree with you. The ironic thing is that everyone who knows me would agree that im definitely not the most judgemental person around, but the reality is that we are all judgemental. It’s just a matter of degrees. We have to decide what is in the best interest of our own lives and what standard we want for it.
I agree with you Ned, but i don’t think it’s quite so easy to put people into categories like you have… for example, “people who do drugs”. This category would include a HUGE range of very different people, many of whom are very very lovely and inspiring people. I think the motives and attitudes BEHIND their actions are far more important than many of the actions themselves. Although personnally I wouldn’t touch drugs or do many other thiungs, I have a circle of aquaintance that includes people that do many of these things and many of them are people that in so many ways i admire and respect and would not dream of trying to “fire” from my friendship group.
Rom,
Yes you are right. No one is all good or all bad. Which I guess is why it is so tough to “fire our friends”.